"First love gives us a new identity," says the psychologist.

The conversation was originally planned to take place over coffee at the "First Love" café in Freiburg's old town. But then Janina Bühler had an appointment, and it remained a phone call. The professor of psychology at the University of Freiburg and couples therapist sees first love as a formative event that sets the course for later life – and love.

Ms. Bühler, first love has always touched people. Why is this topic now receiving more attention in research?

Perhaps this is because research in recent years has increasingly focused on the topic of life events. We psychologists want to understand which events people experience and what formative effects these have. And first love is indeed a major life event.

And how! It hits us like lightning. Boom!

Endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin are released in large quantities. Twenty years ago, the American anthropologist Helen Fisher discovered in brain scans of people newly in love that the same brain regions are activated as in drug addicts. People newly in love behave like addicts—and with an intensity that a young person at that point has never experienced before. Perhaps there was a crush before, but it wasn't mutual, it wasn't reciprocated. And suddenly there's someone who desires me too, who loves me, both physically and mentally. You feel an intense longing for the other person.

So, crushes and childhood sweethearts don't count as first love.

We define first love as the first serious and committed romantic relationship, not just one that lasts three weeks. Put simply: it's the first time you experience real butterflies in your stomach before you're in a relationship with someone. However, we always let the respondents define it themselves and don't dictate anything.

Does first love change us into different people?

Yes. She gives us, to some extent – ​​and this might be a big word – a new identity. You ask yourself: Who am I now, standing beside this person?

Eighty percent of people experience their first love at a young age. At that age, you often don't yet know who you are.

That's why it's so fascinating to research. Identity takes shape during adolescence and young adulthood; it's like soft dough. And then suddenly something from the outside comes along that shapes us.

How exactly?

Studies show that first love makes us more emotionally stable, agreeable, and conscientious, as we say in personality psychology. We are therefore more mature, more internally grounded, and more harmonious. The rebellion we felt towards our parents as teenagers subsides. We reply to our partner's messages, arrive on time for dates, things like that. Suddenly there's someone else who wants to be nurtured and cared for.

Why is first love so formative? Is it because young adulthood is the most important phase in the brain's developmental process? Because it leaves a neurological and psychological imprint?

Exactly. Not only is the brain developing, but so is our personality. Young adulthood, in particular, is a crucial phase for personality development and the formation of our identity.

Or is it perhaps so formative because every beginning holds a certain magic?

Yes, you're fully engaged with all your senses. Everything you do for the first time is experienced particularly intensely.

Just like the first kiss.

As a young person, you don't hold back. You throw yourself into love, you go "all in." Especially during adolescence, you don't think things through five times, you just do them – carefree and unconcerned.

And, as Cat Stevens already knew, she walks right into the trap, completely naively: "The first cut is the deepest." Does the loss of first love hurt especially badly?

The wound is certainly deeper when one's first great love ends. This is partly due to our psychological immune system. We haven't yet learned how to cope with a breakup. This is something that needs to be learned. However, to my knowledge, this hasn't been studied.

What happens in later breakups?

Later experiences can also be formative and significant, but they always happen against the backdrop of a previous breakup. The breakup—whether initiated by oneself or not—affects one and usually hurts. Often, one doesn't enter a new relationship so carefree afterward. One becomes more cautious.

Can a failed first love negatively influence our attachment style?

We develop our attachment styles in childhood. They are often quite stable. However, recent research shows that attachment styles can change through relationship experiences in adulthood. People with an anxious attachment style, who fear abandonment, seem to be particularly susceptible to these changes.

Do people tend to choose the same type of person for later relationships as they did for their first relationship?

That can happen, but it doesn't have to. In research, we talk about homogamy: We look for a partner who is similar to us in terms of education, age, attractiveness, ethnicity, or experience. But that doesn't really apply to personality. These preferences can also depend on one's own goals. In my younger years, I might be more attracted to the exciting, adventurous type. In later years, however, the type with whom I can imagine starting a family becomes more appealing.

Which people keep ending up with the same type of person who harms them?

Unfortunately, people with low self-esteem often choose partners who confirm this low self-esteem and who are often not good for them. In this case, the desire for self-verification is stronger than the desire for personal growth.

Many people perceive the person with whom their current partner experienced their first love as threatening. Why?

Jealousy is widespread, as I've often experienced in my sessions as a couples therapist. Many people are afraid of their partner's first love; they fear that old magic. Yet most people don't actually want to return to their first love. So the worry is usually unfounded; we are, after all, different people now. But we do share a special experience with that person from back then. In our memories, life was so carefree, everything seemed possible.

Is the beautiful memory of first love merely nostalgia?

First love can be a projection screen, sure. It's easy to idealize it. Some people long for their younger self, for that carefree time. But the feelings were definitely there.

The "first-love theory" is circulating on social media. According to this theory, men in particular can't get over their first love. Is there any truth to it?

Empirically, it is primarily women who initiate breakups. Therefore, one could theoretically conclude that men are more likely to be dumped in their first great love. However, this phenomenon has not been studied in relation to first love.

What influence does first love have on our later relationship style?

First love is like a memory box that everyone can access. At the same time, it's a template against which future relationships are measured, both positively and negatively. So, first love doesn't determine everything, but it is a benchmark.

In what way?

In our first love, we discover our relationship self. We then know later what our preferences are – and how we want to conduct a relationship. This involves a lot of negotiation.

And then arguments start. What's important for a relationship to last?

Conflicts in first relationships are often handled dysfunctionally. We still need to learn how to communicate, but studies show it's essential for a healthy relationship. Communication means not just talking to each other, but being able to articulate needs and fears. It's the key to a successful relationship.

They have proven that breakups are usually foreseeable years in advance. Clearly, there is a point of no return.

Our study has shown that, on average, people perceive a qualitative change in their relationship satisfaction one to two years before a breakup. After that, a separation seems more difficult to prevent. We are working to better understand which couples reach this critical tipping point. On the one hand, it could be couples who are so deeply conflicted that they can no longer resolve it on their own. Arguments and pain put a strain on the relationship. On the other hand, it could be couples who have become completely estranged. In such cases, the relationship's emotional intensity steadily declines.

Do you know how many couples have stayed with their first love?

No, unfortunately not. But I do see couples like that in couples therapy. The particular challenge with these couples is that they met when their personalities were still developing. Sometimes, after ten years, they realize they've become different people. And they wonder how they can still connect today. In the best-case scenario, they help, shape, and develop each other further. In research, we call this the Michelangelo effect: He didn't create a figure, he freed it from the block of stone.